Water You Waiting For?

I should have started off this blog with a warning that if cuss words, bodily functions, body parts, medical procedures etc. upset or offend you, then you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog.  I am very blunt, so you always know where you stand with me, and I’m telling it like it is (or not, this blog could be primarily fiction), mainly because no one really knows about this blog, so I don’t think I have any readers.  It’s a way of documenting my medical experiences as well as whining to no one in particular.  I’m not a whiner in person, so this blog lets me do that and blow off steam at the same time, without bothering my real time peeps or my doctors.

That being said, the poopwatch is definitely over.  This morning I had to pee more out of my back then out of my front.  The watery diarrhea has finally arrived.  Of course, they are all consumed here with poop in the hospital, so I had to tell everyone that I had hot, watery diarrhea.  And honestly, after straining yesterday for 45 minutes in agony, that watery stream felt pretty good.  It shot out of me like hot water out of a summer hose.  Oh, what a feeling.  Heaven.

Speaking of Heaven, the Lord really does work in mysterious ways.  I was sitting here this morning thinking how nice it would be to have some life savers, or butterscotch, or peppermints, or something, since my mouth is pretty dry, and who unexpectedly shows up but a lady I work with and what did she bring me?  Peppermints.  I was flabbergasted!  A) because she came to visit at all, (she’s really nice but we don’t even work in the same building), and B) she brought me peppermints!  Thank you, Jesus!

Had a shower this morning, and boy do I feel better!  It’s so nice to be clean and smell good.  This stool softener has given me a real case of the farts and sitting here in the bed I look like PigPen from the Charlie Brown cartoons, surrounded permanently by a brown cloud.  Fortunately they don’t smell, or at least I hope they don’t.  I’m not really sure because my sinuses are clogged, but I’ve had several visitors today, doctors (including one lost OB/GYN–I’m on the labor and delivery floor; I don’t know who was more surprised, me or him), nurses, care techs, the girl from work, my cousin and her husband, and none of them passed out or even coughed, so I think I’m good.  

OMG!  Law and Order, and for only $9.95 Chef Tony will send me his cleaning secret!  Where’s my willpower when I need it?  I might need to know Chef Tony’s cleaning secret!  And he’ll double the offer and throw in two cleaning sponges if I call now!  I think honestly I’d rather see the pizza commercials.  


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