Criminals and Aliens

So I’m back in the hospital with a severe asthma attack; breathing’s for sissies.  I spent 8 days in June in the hospital with pancreatitis again, but that time the puking was worse than the pain (so no inclination to blog, sorry). I puked my guts up, and as I was looking in the garbage can, the nurse asked me what I was looking for, and I told her:  “My pancreas!  If it’s in here, I can go home!”  Finally got discharged with adequate pain meds this time, but fortunately only had to use them once.  Pain is pretty much gone now, thank goodness. Still have to see Junior at the end of the month; hope this is over with.

Got admitted this past Monday; was coughing like crazy, could not breathe.  Basically I sounded like a phone sex operator, low voice, heavy breathing on the phone, answering the phone with “What are you wearing?” or “Take your pants off!” so when it gets that bad it’s time to see the pulmonologist.  I don’t think I’ve posted anything about him before, so here’s the basics:  he’s a medical genius, hilarious, and one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I truly believe I would not be alive if it wasn’t for him.  He found my CVID (which is why I no longer live in the hospital, despite what you read here.  I’m not being admitted every 6 weeks for an infection anymore; Google CVID).  Anyway, suffice to say I love him, (not romantically, but you know what I mean), and he’s turned me on to a fantastic immunologist (more on him in another post). For purposes of anonymity, I’ll call him Dash, as in Dash Riprock (again, Google him) because apparently he’s got women (nurses, admitting techs, care techs, etc.) who are in LOVE with him.  I had a nurse once who wouldn’t shut up about how lucky I was to have him as a doctor, and that once she had this crud I had and had to be hospitalized, and she was soooo disappointed because she got another doctor in the group.  Frankly it was kind of weird listening to her talk about him that way.  Anyway, the other women tell me he looks like one of those suave soap opera doctors, (trust me, he does NOT), so I don’t get the attraction thing at all. One of my care techs told me yesterday that when Dash comes on the floor, there’s this one nurse who just sighs, moons at him, and literally can’t talk to him because she’s so nervous.  Hilarious. 

So why the introduction, other than he’s a major player in my health care?  Because, of course, I had a bizarre dream about him Monday night.  The dream started out just like the appointment I had on Monday.  I was in his office, coughing like crazy, trying to negotiate a cough syrup instead of a hospital stay, which of course went nowhere.  (“You didn’t pack a bag?  You should have known better!” etc.).   Anyway I was explaining to him why I called him (the phone sex operator bit) and we (Dash, his nurse, and I) were all laughing about it.  Then I went to the hospital.  The next morning, around 4AM, four of my relatives (one of them dead IRL) came to visit and said one word to me:  “Goodbye!”  (WAIT! Where am I going?? But they left.). So then Dash comes in and tells me he’s discharging me from the hospital.  I tell him I still feel miserable, and ask him why he’s discharging me, and he says, “Well, we here at the Pulmonology Federal Reserve Lung and Phlegm Society (PFRLPS) have long suspected you were an alien, and you confirmed it for us yesterday, so the aliens are coming to take you back to your home planet.”  So I told him, “What makes you think I’m an alien?  I’m NOT!” and he ROLLS his eyes at me and says, “Phone sex operator?  There’s no such thing as a phone sex operator.  That’s how we knew.”  So I exclaim, “Yes there is!  Now, I haven’t personally spoken to one of them, but they do exist!  And who’s this WE business?” at which point I see three other doctors from PFRLPS standing in the doorway, agreeing with Dash.  IRL, I’ve seen these guys in the hospital on many occasions and they are all fantastic, but the only things can think to say to these 3 stooges as I’m leaving is, “You know your website is full of typographical errors, right?  It makes you look really unprofessional!” (which again IRL is true.  Their website drives me nuts), and the middle stooge says to me:  “You’re OCD!”

So then the nurse wheels me out into the hallway in my wheelchair, and leaves me and I realize the hospital is totally empty.  So I’m standing there with my car keys in my hand, so I go to my car to avoid the aliens.  I get to the first traffic light in front of the hospital, and the alien ship shows up hovering over my car, trying to beam me up, but since I don’t have a sunroof in the car, the only thing they’re successful at is banging my head on the roof of the car, which is giving me a severe headache.  The light changes to green, so I get away from them, but at the next red light they try again to beam me up, but again my head just hits the roof of the car, and Ouch 2.0.  So the next light goes to the interstate, so I think, “Hey!  If I get on the freeway I won’t have to stop and they can’t beam me up!” But at that point my nurse IRL woke me up because it was time for my solumedrol, so who knows if I ever got abducted. 😟

Also, there’s been this old guy here all week with wiener problems (he’s in the next room to me; I hear the urologist go in all the time) who’s been screaming at my nurse all week.  He won’t use the call button, just screams “NURSE!!” at the top of his lungs every three seconds; it’s one reason I haven’t been sleeping at night. Anyway there was a huge commotion this morning, and he attacked my nurse! She was messing with his catheter and he punched her twice (HARD) and then kicked her violently.  The transport tech was in the room, so she saw it all, but of course the man denied it to the doctor’s face (“I never touched her! She’s LYING!!”). She’s my nurse and was telling me about it because I asked what all the screaming was earlier this AM. For the record, she’s a fantastic nurse and from what I could hear, she in no way provoked him, he was just an ass.  So they called the police to escort him off the property and he can no longer be admitted to to this hospital for any reason. The nurse also told me they called ALL of his relatives and no one would claim him (go figure) so they called him a cab and disposed of him via that route.  

So it’s been an interesting stay this time.  Excellent medical care with a side of cray-cray.  Stay tuned.


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